If you thought you knew me...think again!

[Puck]

Warning: The following is a vuglar, suggestive chain letter that was sent to me, and i promptly sent back to the owner and all those whose email address I had. if you dislike swearing, sexual situation, the idea of me naked, improper use of butter, the battery of people from foreign cultures and their pets, and/or a general dislike for all things UPN...please do not try this at home.

001. Had sex?
I'm 26, went through college, knew sluts...so, maybe.

002. Had oral sex?
Can you define "had" for me?

003. Had anal sex?
Only for smokes in Cellblock 6.

004. Used more than 3 positions in one session?
Only 3?

005. Devoted a whole day to sex?
August 2nd.

006. Had noise complaints from neighbors during a sex session?
Yes. I'm banned from most Motel 6s in the greater Phoenix area. I miss prom.

007. Received open praise for sexual technique?
AVN's New Performer, 1997.

008. Written an erotic story?
I ghost wrote Showgirls.

009. Fallen or lost balance during sex?
Well...this one time...i fell off the hammock.

010. Brought partner to climax using only hands?
The secret is in my 11th finger.

011. Brought partner to climax using only mouth?
The secret is I still have my tonsils.

012. Had sex while totally dressed?
Yes, but i'll never have sex dressed as a clown ever again!

013. Had sex while standing up?
I had to get into the hammack.

014. Erotically licked feet or sucked toes?
Yeah, but that's because I paid for it.

015. Had sex during your "monthly visit"?
Of course, that's why I go on monthly visits. HELLO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

016. Used whipped cream/soft chocolate erotically?
Anyone can use those! It's finding erotic uses for Paul Newman Salad Dressing and a Gerkin!!! IM if you're interested!

017. Used ice erotically?
I'm Canadian...damn near law.

018. Used hot melted wax erotically?
Well, I dipped my meat and two berries in, never had to use a condom the rest of the night...plus, i smelled of sugar cookies.

019. Shaved your pubic hair?
Shaved. Balded. Scorched Earth. Braided. Dyed. The Mohawks was rather cute.

020. Used a sex toy?
Yeah, but it gets expensive to keep paying the midget to buy a new PVC cat suit.

021. Used a vibrator?
Ever since i hooked it up to a Chevy 6 cylinder, she's never had complaints...except walking like a cowboy.

022. Used an inanimate object (bottle, candle, hairbrush, etc.)
No, but I've slept with one. Kids, never date the home coming queen. she's as frigid as a Wisconsin Thursday!

023. Used an inanimate object while having sex with a partner?
See Above.

024. Obtained money or a favor for sex?
Smokes, bitch!

025. Paid or granted a favor for sex?
Only after they rubbed my lamp.

026. Given sex in sympathy?
Have gotten,if that counts.

027. Had sex with a virgin?
Yeah, but when she wanted to show me the talent portion of the competition, Ms. Utah had to go.

028. Ever cheated on someone?
Define "ever"

029. Had sex with someone 10 years older/younger than you?
Yeah, but hey, if it got me the A in BioChem, who are you to f**king judge!?!!?!

[Puck]

030. Had sex with your landlord?
Yeah, but hey, if it got me a month's rent, who are you to f**king judge!?!!?!

031. Had sex with a teacher?
Yeah, but hey, if it got me the A in Spanish, who are you to f**king judge!?!!?!

032. Had sex with a boss?
Yeah, but hey, if it got me a huge ass bonus, who are you to f**king judge!?!!?!

033. Had sex with a relative?
Yeah, but hey...i'm Woody Allen. So...whatever.

034. Had sex with two members of the same family?
Does masturbating to the Olsen Sisters count?

035. Had sex with twins?
Yeah, Dear Abby sucks dick, while Ann Landers liked backdoor action.

036. Had homosexual sex?
Boy cooties. *shiver*

037. Had sex with a pet?
Does it count if she liked to wear a collar and leash, and I scratched her behind the ear to stimulate her?

038. Had sex with a farm animal?
Only that farm girl from Kentucky.

039. Had sex with someone the same day that you met them?
Yeah, but hey, if it got me upgraded to First Class, who are you to f**king judge!?!!?!

No, seriously, who are you? you a judge? why? how'd you get the gig?

040. Had sex with someone whose name you didn't know?
No. But lack the ability to recall their names now...that sorta counts.

041. Had sex with someone you never spoke to/spoke different languages?
Um....no? *remembers English is his fluent language now*

042. Had more than 10 sexual partners?
This question for one day?

043. Had more than 100 sexual partners?
What about this one?

044. Had two separate sexual partners within 24 hours?
I've had 3 partners within 24 hours...4 if you count the fact I named my left hand the same name twice.

045. Had a menage-a-trois?
Does Marina Sirtis still need managing? (note: all the star trek hommies out there will get that one! Live long and prosper...Vulcanside!!!)

046. Had group sex (more than 3)?
Yeah. Want to check out my body of work...please go and rent: Robokock II: The Canadian

047. Participated in a swap/swinging club?
I often find myself on ebay.com.

048. Had two regular partners at the same time?
Not since I was disbarred.

049. Had sex in a public place?
Doesn't everyone have sex in the pubic place?

050. If so, where?
I once got busy at a Burger King Bathroom

051. Had sex outdoors in broad daylight?
I've even had sex outdoors in specific daylight too.

052. Had sex on the roof of a building?
I'll do you one better...the roof of a van.

053. Had sex in a stationary car?
Yes...parked out front your house.

054. Had sex in a moving car?
Only when I forgot to put the breaks on.

055. Are you a member of the mile high club?
No, i've never had sex in Denver.

056. Had sex outdoors at night?
In Public, at Disneyland, on the PeopleMovers. I hit the Tron part, and i was feeling good!

057. Had two sexual partners at the same time unaware of each other?
What is this, Springer? Of course I've hat two unaware of each other.

(58 giggled until it shot milk out its nose, so it's not here!)

059. Had sex in the host's bedroom while a day guest (party/social visit)..
How else you gonna have sex at people's parties?

[Puck]

060. Had sex in the host's bedroom while an overnight guest?
They weren't around....buddy, go for it!

061. Had sex in a public room while an overnight guest (kitchen, etc.)?
I'll never look at a Den the same way.

062. Had sex at your office or other work area?
This is the only reason I miss Best Buy.

063. Met partner during work hours to have sex?
Uh, yeah. Like i'd go to work on my off hours!!!

064. Had sex in a public restroom?
See previous comment about World Series baseball.

065. Had sex on public transportation (bus, train, taxi, etc.)?
The PeopleMovers count...I asked Disneyland.

066. Had sex in a dark theater?
Maybe you heard Alanis complain about me.

067. Had sex in the water (ocean, lake, pool, hot tub)?
I was a member of the '96 US Swim Team.

068. Had sex in an elevator?
Do I look like Steven Tyler?

069. Had sex in a cemetery?
Again, I've had sex in Utah.

070. Had sex in a store dressing room?
Yes, but it's having sex in a shoe store that's more provocative!

071. Used alcohol to lower resistance to sexual advances?
It's called College.

072. Allowed yourself to be felt up by a stranger?
Once a week.

073. Looked at a nude magazine?
I subscribe to Maxim.

074. Looked at an explicit magazine (actual sex acts)?
I subscribe to National Geographic.

075. Seen a live stripper?
It's seeing the insides of them that counts...wait, sorry, i'm answering: Are you a serial killer quiz at the same time.

076. Seen a live sex show?
I'm amazed what a blonde and two donkeys can do...even more amazed by the price of admission and the quality of the lunch buffet.

077. Watched someone having sex without their knowledge?
shit. I created "Girls Gone Wild!"

078. Showered with a partner?
Yes, but to seriously take time to point out...its you sick f**ks that wish the word golden was in there. I'll wait for you to get the joke.

079. Flashed someone (breasts, genitals, moon, etc.)?
If you haven't done this by the age of 21...kill yourself.

080. Streaked with a group of six or more?
Yep. I wrote soy bomb on my chest as well.

081. Stripped for someone?
Yeah, but only because they were dead.

082. Stripped for a group of 3 or more?
Yeah, but i was preparing to wear my skinsuit. It puts the lotion on or gets the hose!

083. Participated at a nude beach or nudist camp?
I've participated in nude webcaming, volleyball, and moving.

084. Been the only nude person in a group of 3 or more?
shit, I have my limits!!

085. Played strip poker (or a similar game involving nudity)?
Oh yeah. You better not mess with me!!

086. Showered while someone watched? Someone want to break me in!?
Ya damn right!! It's a good thing that TV and Virtual Reality haven't merged yet...I'm just gonna leave it there.

087. Masturbated?
Crap! I've got a 40wpm with my left hand...my right hand runs usually at 4000rpms.

088. Masturbated while someone watched?
Doing it right now! AOL Chatroom: CumSxEMe! with Lolita27

089. Masturbated for a group of three or more people?
I'm sure Lolita is really three college frat guys.

[Puck]

090. Masturbated covertly in public?
Yes. Then again, that's why I'm banned from two malls, and one community college.

091. Had sex while you knew someone was watching?
That was the plan of getting some on the 5 O'Clock News.

092. Been walked in on while having sex?
Yes.

093. Walked in on someone having sex?
Why wouldn't you? It's the uncomfortable silences and nervous feelings that I live for!

094. Had phone sex?
My name is Roberto, and I'm your latin lovah! Call me at [phone]!

095. Watched a porno film with a sexual partner?
Filmed!

096. Been the photographer for a nude photo?
All the time! wwww.dirtysandwhores.org

097. Been photographed nude?
Yeah, but that's because I was filming.

098. Been photographed having sex?
Again, www.dirtysandwhores.org/asm/mike/hardcore.html

099. Been videotaped having sex?
*Broken Record* Yes.

100. Watched a regular sexual partner having sex with someone else?
Yeah, but that is a bad thing.

101. Role-played a sexual situation?
The ladies like it when they call me Big Poppa!

102. Taken part in transvestism?
Yes, but as we all know...there's Crazy Transvestism and there's Executive Transvestism. I'm the latter. Nice skirt suits, pumps, curled hair.

103. Used a blindfold during sex?
Have you seen Soon Yi? Wouldn't you?

104. Used handcuffs during sex?
Yeah, but that's also because the officer didn't like it.

105. Inflicted pain during sex (sadism)?
Spankmaster P!

106. Received pain during sex (masochism)?
When you buy Helga for $50 an hour, she brings her whips...so, yes, I have.

107. nipple clips?
Only if they're alligator clips, hooked up to an DieHard.

108. Used sex dice?
*Blows and rolls* I need to suck on your nipple. Come here!

109. Used whip, chains, cat-o-nine tails, etc. during sex?
shit!! Fo shizle my nizzle!

110. Received an electric shock during sex?
Maybe you missed #107?

111. Drawn blood (scratched, bit) during sex?
I once roleplayed I was a doctor on ER, I gave her a shot, it drew blood...we f**ked against the hearse.

112. Used auto-erotic strangulations?
I get off strangling others, but that's because I'm a hitman.

113. Pierced your genitals or nipples?
The only thing i pierce...is ear drums as I orgasm.

114. Continued sex until raw or bleeding?
I stopped when they both passed out. damn those f**king Olsen bitches!!!

Anyone want to date me now?

[hazelnut11]

Anyone want to date me now?

do you really want me to answer that? ;D